The weekend that your boy has been looking forward to all spring finally arrived. Steviepoooooo’s beloved Chicago Cubs visited the Detroit Tigers. As a long time Michigander, I frequently make the joke that the Chicago sports teams are my biological children. The Detroit sports teams on the other hand are now my stepchildren. I love them both but deep down I will always love my birth children way more.
I have gone to too many Tigers games at this point to ever wish them any ill will. The only time I will actively root against them is when they are playing my beloved Chicago Cubs.
I have had this series circled on my calendar since the moment the schedule was released. I had an absolute blast attending all three games. The series was full of ups and downs for both the Cubs and Steviepooooo alike. I am both spiritually and physically one of their largest fans. This will come into play during the Saturday matinee. Before we get to that incident lets rewind the clock and begin with Friday night’s showdown.
I need to begin by defending Mrs. Steviepoooooo before any of you question her decision not to go to this series with me. I have dragged her beautiful behind to SO MANY baseball games. The poor woman does not give a flying fuck about baseball. The only sport she loves is football. She has been so kind and patient with me over the years going to numerous baseball games. She even went to an entire Cubs Pirates series with me in Chicago pre pandemic. This was before the pitch clock was introduced in baseball. One of the games lasted over six fucking hours. Mrs. Steviepooooooo looked me dead in the eyes during hour four of that slugfest and said,” Stephen I fucking hate you.”
She was joking of course. However, that fateful afternoon in Wrigley field has always made her tentative to go to another baseball game. She said numerous times that she would have gone to one Cubs Tigers game with me but not all three.
Friday:
Steviepooooo was riding solo a majority of the weekend. Not a problem for your boy. I was recently clinically diagnosed as a type A personality when I attended some group therapy sessions. Me and my fellow extraverts were put in a room together and kindly proceeded to never shut the fuck up while discussing our childhood traumas. It was awesome.
Anyway….. Your boy has no problem going to sporting events by himself and making “friends” at the game. I contacted my main Detroitlandiers and asked them to accompany me to this series. They said they could go Sunday but not the entire series. They have these things called “children” and “families” that they needed to attend to. Fine by me. This gave me plenty of chances to make new friends. Oh boy did your boy ever make himself some new friends. Friends whose names he never learned, and he will never see again in his life. Such is the beauty of sports.
I decided to uber to this game as it was at night and I could not find any parking online. This was the first of two incredible uber rides. My driver was a retired boxer who like your boy, clearly had suffered numerous blows to the head in his youth. I had barely sat in my seat before he told me that his wife’s boobs were so big that she broke a new dress that she bought. I instantly knew I was amongst my people.
We proceeded to talk nonstop for the entire forty-five-minute car ride. We talked about everything from religion to Michael Jordan. Granted for Steviepoooooo Jordan and religion pretty much go hand and hand.
When I finally got to the stadium the moment I had been both anticipating and dreading since I first saw the pitching matchups occurred. The best pitcher in professional baseball took the mound for the Tigers. That big beefy motherfucker Tarik Skubal came to play.
I won’t deny that it moved a little when I saw that Skubal was going to pitch Friday night. I was very excited to see him in person for the first time. My excitement was soon quelled when he proceeded to eviscerate most of the Cubs hitters.
I honestly did not have much to root for during this game. The highlight of this game for the cubs was when the fastest man alive, Pete Crow Armstrong, was thrown out at third base. Not a great game for the Cubs.
Your boy left the stadium very lonely and afraid. Weird things were happening in the city that night. I also had to pee and uber drivers kept cancelling on me due to traffic. After a lot of anxiety and a little public urination Steviepooooooo finally obtained an Uber. Little did he know that he was soon in for both the scariest and most expensive Uber ride of his life.
I did not fit in the back seat of my drivers tiny Honda Civic. I had to squeeze next to my driver who looked at me when I sat down and said “Pequeno English.” We then proceeded to use google translate to have a riveting conversation about basketball and music. My driver did make me nervous when he would focus more on translating than driving in the heavy Detroit traffic.
He was also blasting Bad Bunny music from the moment I sat down. For those of you who do not know Bad Bunny is a Hispanic rapper. He would randomly say “Bad Bunny” in a very serious aspiring tone. This guy knew two words in the English language and by God he was going to use them.
This guy was as nice as could be. He was also completely yoked and wearing a tank top. I felt oddly safe in his hands despite his aggressive driving.
Things got weird when we ran into a traffic jam on the Highway. We could see both cop cars and cops everywhere further up the highway. As we got closer, we could see something indiscriminately burning. Numerous cops were covering their faces trying to get close to whatever it was that was smoldering. The mysterious object was about the size of a trash can. This was late at night and honestly quite scary.
My driver and I looked at each other and he said “No bueno.” This might have been the understatement of the year by my Cuban brethren.
Saturday:
My new bff got me to my rented townhome safe and sound. I rested up and prepared for game two. The Cubs needed this one as they had a decisive advantage in the starting pitching department.
I was blessed enough to be sitting in the home plate club for this game. This gave me access to a luxury club that had all you can eat food before the game. The game started at one and the club opened at eleven. You can bet your beatiful butt I was there at 10:50 ready to eat as much food as my heart could take.
I must give the Tigers fans and employees some credit. They were so welcoming and kind to me. They showed me around and gave me tips in terms of what to eat and where to go. This has not been the case at other ball parks I have visited. In Pittsburgh last month some of their employees wouldn’t even look at me! Special shout out to Comerica employee Armen who was super kind and helpful to me all day!
The sushi in the club was especially good. I ate so many rolls of sushi while pounding cups of coffee. It was a weird but oddly satisfying combination.
The game began and I was in the first row right next to cubs on deck circle. I honestly felt like a teenage boy living one of my wet dreams. I said hi to the Cubs manager Craig Cousel who said hi back. I also had a full conversation with the third base coach about whether or not he could pinch run for the Cubs today. Starting shortstop Dansby Swanson also acknowledged my existence when I brought up his college baseball career. Dreams were coming true in Comerica this afternoon.
It was a sunny day and in lieu of sunblock I elected to wear a long sleeve incredible Hulk shirt under my jersey. Despite the fact that I was CLEARLY the Incredible Hulk, an usher asked me if I was a ninja turtle. It really hurt my feelings.
When Seiya Suzuki was in the on-deck circle, I told him to hit two home runs for me today. Guess what. HE FUCKING DID!
It was so fucking cool my god. He might have thought “This grown man here by himself wearing an incredible Hulk shirt might have something wrong with him.” He might not be entirely wrong in that assessment. The fact remains that I asked him to hit two home runs that day and he did. We are basically best friends now.
The weirdest event of the day occurred during the second of Seiya’s home runs. During his first home run I took my jersey off and ran into the aisle and danced a little in my Hulk shirt. A tad obnoxious I know. Little did I know that a Tigers security guard had seen me do this and was proceeding to watch me like a hawk from this moment forward while plotting his revenge.
When the second home run happened, I took my jersey off again and stepped into the isle ready to boogey with my boys. This old man came out of nowhere and gave me a very forceful shove. I did not move an inch and looked down at him in complete confusion. He proceeded to scream in my face and say, “No you can’t do that no!”
I could tell he was a security guard and I have a strict rule of not fucking with stadium employees. I do whatever they say so I can remain in the stadium and enjoy the game.
I calmly replied, “I’m sorry sir I’m just excited.” This grumpy bag of dicks said, “I don’t care go back to your seat.” The dude was like sixty-five overweight and probably hated his life. I couldn’t blame him for hating this tall handsome Cubs fan who was dancing and flexing in a hulk shirt in HIS god damn isle. This was his house, and he was going to defend it!
I calmly returned to my seat like a scorned child a little sad that he stepped on Seiya and I’s moment. I promptly got over it as the Cubs continued to hit two more home runs. I continued to dance and flex from the comfort of my air-conditioned seat. I would not let the fat man win.
I sought him out after the game, and I apologized. He lightened up a little and even smirked when I said I just get really excited and didn’t mean to offend him. However, he still clearly hated my guts. What can you do. Not everyone is going to like you.
After the game some childhood friends of mine hit me up letting me know that they were nearby. We ended up going to a rock concert together. During the opening act we got scolded by a fellow patron for talking too loudly. I have never ever been scolded for talking to loudly at a fucking rock concert. It was so weird. The guy could have just moved away from us. It was a very large venue. This dude and the fat security guard would make a cute couple.
We had an absolute blast as one of my friends successfully instigated a mosh pit. The wind got knocked out of me at one point when he crashed into my stomach when I wasn’t looking. Dozens of men in their thirties and forties were getting chippy throwing shoulders and elbows without a female in sight. It was glorious.
Sunday:
The Sunday game was the most wholesome game of the whole series. I attended with two Detroitlandiers. One of them has four small children who I was lucky enough to meet before the game. I quickly became friends with all four of them as we watched the Minecraft movie and played with stuffed animals.
I told them they could call me Steviepooooo and all four of them started loudly laughing. Children love Steviepooooo as I am nothing more than an extremely large child.
There was not much to talk about during the actual game. The Cubbies proceeded to put up a goose egg on the scoreboard. The highlight of the game might have been when both Second baseman Nico Hoerner and manager Craig Counsel were ejected for arguing balls and strikes. Damnit Craig!
I received a lighthearted snide comment here and there during the first two games from Tigers fans. Seeing me with two friends in Tigers gear must have awoken something in them. We received a good number of jokes from people telling my friends to beat me up and things of that nature.
The comments were all in jest and I just smiled and laughed. The best one was after the game outside a drug store that my friends and I were heading into. A man who let’s just say “was down on his luck”, told my friends to tell me to take my big ass back to the windy city. Steviepooooo won this man over with my charm and money as we exited the store.
“I knew you were going to treat me right!” Yelled the man in glee as I gave him a few dollars. “I just wanted you to know that Cubs fans are really nice.” I replied with a big smile on my face. It was the perfect ending to a perfect weekend.
Peace out until next time Detroit. It’s been real.
A bientot.
Bennie's Blasts 
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