We need to start out this review of Jurassic World Rebirth by acknowledging one simple fact. ACTORS MATTER.
This review is going to be mostly positive. Your boy thoroughly enjoyed the film. A huge reason this film was far superior to some of its recent predecessors is the improved quality of the film’s lead actors. Scarlett Johansson and Mahershala Ali run circles around former Jurassic World stars Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard. Johansson is such an improvement over Bryce Dallas Howard that it is borderline shocking.
I have been in love with Scar Jo for as long as I can remember. Her face is the definition of perfection. The only face that is more perfect is that of Mrs. Steviepooooo. I was more than happy to just stare at Scar Jo for over two hours only to be briefly interrupted by dino attacks!
As much as I love me some Scar Jo, I also love me some Mahershala Ali. I think he is one of the best actors out there right now. He killed it in this film. I really felt the depth to this character. The reveal that he had a son who passed away made it way more meaningful when he saved the kids at the end of the film. He may not have been able to save his own son but god damnit if he was going to let anything happen to these innocent children on his watch!
I also think Mahershala did a great job of conveying the pain and anguish a person would experience after watching one of their best friends get consumed by a dinosaur. Every time one of his friends got killed, he looked so devastated I could not help but feel bad for this fictional character. It’s not real! it’s just a movie Steviepoooooo. Get it together!
This movie achieved its ultimate goal of being a good time. There was only one small stretch of the film where your boy was not thoroughly entertained. Weirdly enough, that stretch was the lone T-Rex attack in the whole film. There was no way anyone who was under attack by the T-Rex at that moment was going to die. This killed all of the suspense for me in that scene.
I feel like I am picking nits complaining about that scene. It was still fun to see a T-Rex on the big screen again. For those of you who do not know, I wear a wedding band made out of T-rex bone on my left ring finger. I am officially a fossil freak.
I also am known to wear a necklace that sports a humongous megladon tooth. Mrs. Steviepooooo hates this necklace more than anything on earth. She thinks it looks so dumb. She fails to consider the fact that sixty five million years ago the tooth on my neck was attached to one of the greatest predators to ever roam the earth! Get with the program Mrs. Steviepoooooo!
Now that I have finished bragging about my fossill fetishes lets get back to the film.
The scene that keeps sticking out in my mind is the first Spinosauras attack on the boat. The Spineosauras in Jurassic Park 3 was the only saving grace to that movie. Having a pack of them attack the boat was a genius decision. GENIUS.
We got to see just how dangerous Spinosauruses are on both land and sea. They are some versatile motherfuckers! They ruthlessly munched on two members of Scar Jo’s team of mercenaries. We saw those poor mercenaries get mercilessly dragged out to sea. Those poor fuckers were both drowned and devoured at the same time. That would suck so hard my god!
A staple of the Jurassic Park franchise is having a family that is in the wrong place at the wrong time. That trope is once again revisited in this film. A big strength of the movie is the fact that the family in this film is actually interesting for once. That has not been the case in the last few movies.
Xavier, the burn out lazy boyfriend, was the standout of the group. He might have been the funniest character in the franchise since Jeffrey Goldblum’s Ian Malcom. That is high praise Xavier high praise!
I will say that Mrs. Steviepoooooo said that Xavier reminded her of her dumbass husband just a little too much. Xavier might be lazy, but he has a heart of gold! Go Xavier!
Another reason that this film was so enjoyable to watch was the horror aspect. Certain scenes in this film had your boy’s anxiety spinning. Any scene involving the D-Rex was downright terrifying. Like seriously what the fuck was that thing? It looked like if the Rancor from Star Wars and the Aliens had a baby. It was so freaking creepy, and I loved it! Team D-Rex baby!
The film also did a good job of making us feel bad for the characters who ended up in the bottom of a dinosaur’s tummy. One of the main mistakes that the previous films made was that the people who got devoured were nameless bad guys. I could not care less about them. That was not the case this time!
The creators made sure that we got to know almost everyone who died even a tiny bit. This meant when we watched them get dragged to sea by a Spinosaurus or swallowed whole by a Pterodactyl it really meant something! I felt so sad for my French brethren who was eaten by the Pterodactyl. Rest in peace my sweet prince Leclerc. I will never forget you.
All in all, I could not recommend this film enough to both families and people who have been fans of the franchise in the past. I guarantee you will have a fun time and leave the theater in love with lil baby Dolores! Protect Dolores at all costs!
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A Bientot!
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