Before I get into the business of making terrible gambling predictions for this upcoming football slate, I want to take a few moments to talk about the prime-time games from last week.
The Chiefs took care of business on Sunday night against the lowly Giants. They easily covered the spread on their way to a double-digit victory. This game was the final nail in the coffin of the corpse of Russell Wilson. The Giants announced yesterday that Russell Wilson had a Dart attack and is no longer their starting quarterback. The Jaxson Dart era has begun in New York, and I personally could not give less of a fuck.
The Monday night game was the answer America needed to a boring Sunday night game. The Lions and Ravens duked it out in a battle of heavyweights. The Lions and their big balled head coach Dan Campbell, did just enough to pull off the upset in Baltimore. Shout out to all the Poopies who rode the underdog moneyline with me!
Thursday Night Football: Seahawks -1.5 over Cardinals
This is a brutal matchup for the general football viewing public. No offense to either of these teams but who gives a fuck about the Cardinals or Seahawks this season? Neither team is very exciting.
The thought of betting on either quarterback in a standalone game makes me want to puke. I am going to bet on the home team and not feel great about it.
College Marquee: 13Ole Miss +1.5 over 4LSU
After a few duds college football is back in a big way this weekend. It was hard to pick the Marquee game of the weekend. I am going with this one for personal reasons.
The starting quarterback at Ole Miss is my friend’s son. Do you know how fucking old it makes me feel rooting for my friend’s son in college football games? My personal feelings aside, Ole Miss and their new quarterback Trinidad Chambliss have looked electric. They are going to out score LSU who is very challenged offensively.
NFL Dublin Game: Vikings -2.5 over Steelers
I believe in Carson Wentz. Not really but I believe that he is weird enough to win this weird ass matchup in Ireland Sunday morning. The Steelers offense is going to struggle mightily against the elite Vikings defense.
NFL Early Slate
Chargers -6.5 over Giants
The Chargers will survive the leagues first Dart attack and win this game easily. Poor Jaxon dart is going to get sacked four times in his debut as the Giants starter.
Titans +7.5 over Texans
I don’t know why but I can’t quite Cam Ward and the Titans. The Texans are going to continue to struggle offensively. The Titans will be able to do just enough to cover the spread. If they do not hit this week, I will not bet on them for the rest of the season! I promise!
Commanders -1.5 over Falcons
This game is a tight one. I am riding with the Commanders because Jayden Daniels is way better than Michael Penix. When in doubt, bet on the quarterback.
Bills -15.5 over Saints
The Bills are going to throw poor old Spencer Rattler through a folding table during this game. They will easily cover the largest spread of the season so far and win by over thirty.
Buccaneers +3.5 over Eagles
This is the best matchup of the weekend. I had no strong feelings about one side or the other. When that happens always ride with the home underdog right? Baker is going to do it once again!
Lions- 9.5 over Browns
This is the scariest spread of the week. The Lions are going to win big but somehow, I can see the Browns awesome defense line stripping Jared Golf once or twice. The Lions turnovers will prevent it from being a blowout. The Lions will still do just enough to cover.
Panthers +5.5 over Patriots
This matchup has my head spinning. Both these teams suck for so many different reasons. I am going to ride and probably die with the Panthers. Their defense is the best unit in this game. Hopefully that is enough for them to cover.
Late Window
49ers -3.5 over Jaguars
Assuming Brock Purdy is back as the quarterback for the 49ers, the poor Jaguars do not have a chance of winning in the bay this weekend. They are going to make mincemeat of the puny jungle cats and cover the spread easily.
Colts +3.5 over Rams
This is where we put our money where our mouths are Poopies. If the Colts are as real as we think they are, they are going to play a close game against the Rams. They are going to silence any and every doubter this weekend by pulling off the upset in the city of angels.
Raiders -1.5 over Bears
Raiders minority owner Tim Brady is going to abuse his power and spill all of the Bears secrets pregame. He is going to use power at Fox to learn all he can about the Bears and use it against them. The poor baby Bears won’t know what hit them when Geno Smith throws four touchdowns in their face!
Baltimore -2.5 over Chiefs
The Ravens are way better than the Chiefs. This game will solidify the Chiefs as pretenders this season. The Ravens need to win this game to prove to the football world that they are to be taken seriously. You can only lose so many big games before we need to write you off.
Sunday Night
Packers -6.5 over Cowboys
Despite their blunder in Cleveland this past week, the Packers are the far superior team in this matchup. Micha Parsons is going to sack Dak twice and dance on the Cowboys grave. Watch for Jerry Jones to have an aneurism in his luxury suite.
Monday Night
Dolphins -2.5 over Jets
I am so glad that the NFL is blessing us with this matchup of 0-3 teams in prime time. NOT. The Dolphins have more talent and that is the only reason that I am picking them. I am excited to hate watch this game.
Broncos -7.5 over Bengals
I am excited to make money betting against Jake Browning in Denver. The fact that the Bengals are starting Mr. Browning in mile high stadium is the only analysis that you really need in this game. The Broncos are going to cover easily!
A bientot!
Bennie's Blasts 
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