One weekend each fall there is such a lackluster slate of football games that a football addict such as me should take a week off. Go pick apples, smash pumpkins, or just go touch some grass. Instead, us pathetic ball lovers will spend almost the entire weekend inside on the couch smelling our own farts and losing money. And away we go!
Thursday: 49ers 26 Rams 23
The Rams should be embarrassed to have lost this game at home. The 49ers were missing pro bowlers all over the field. Your boy stupidly bet on the Rams to win by more than eight. This bet never had a chance as the 49ers were winning a majority of the game.
The Rams did storm back to force overtime but they could never cover even if they pulled off the win in OT.
Mac Jones is the biggest baby I have ever seen in professional sports. I saw the internet praising him for his toughness. NO! FALSE! He is a humungous crybaby! The man got hit, grabbed his leg and literally started crying. After the commercial break the announcers confirmed that it was just cramping. Cramping does hurt but sack up Mac! You are an NFL athlete and a complete disgrace.
Never forget that when this loser was on the Patriots he was literally crying and wailing and insisted on being carried off the field. The diagnosis after the fact was that he had a mild ankle sprain… what a freaking dork! This man is not tough! He just has zero pain tolerance and should not play football.
Now that am I am done roasting you, good game Mac. Congratulations on resurrecting your career.
College Marquee: Miami 28 Florida State 22
God bless the Florida State Seminoles and their decision to kick a field goal down nine points with twenty-five seconds to go. This eliminated any chance of a heartbreaking back door cover. The Hurricanes were leading by multiple scores the entire game.
This Miami team is my favorite team to watch in college football. They have speed all over the field. Their defensive line is so good with multiple first round draft picks. My boy Ruben Bain Jr will be both a top ten pick in the draft next year and an NFL Pro Bowler. Calling it.
Unfortunately for Miami, their quarterback’s face is one of the dumbest faces I have ever seen on a fellow human being. Google Carson Beck if you do not believe me. You cannot win a national title with a face like that. It is not allowed.
London Game: Vikings 21 Browns 17
We finally did it! We got our revenge on the bad teeth Brits for the war of 1812 by cursing them with this bleak matchup. Who wants to skip church to watch Carson Wentz versus Dillion Gabriel? I do!
Carson Wentz did his best impression of his doppelganger Prince Harry and said suck it to the Browns! With his estranged royal family watching, he led the Vikings to a last second victory. A feat that will be remembered for at least a few hours!
Browns starting quarterback Dillion Gabriel looked decent in his first ever NFL start. Maybe the Browns are onto something here with their strategy of drafting multiple quarterbacks late in the draft. One of them has to be decent right? Only time will tell.
Early Slate
Texans 44 Ravens 10
They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. In the case of the Baltimore Raven’s defense, all I can say is “Yikes”.
Every season there is a team that goes from being a super bowl contender to being a literal nightmare. Usually, injuries have a large role to play in these transformations. In past seasons the team to experience this horrifying transition has been the 49ers. This years incarnation of the “year from hell team” looks to be the Ravens. See you next year Baltimore!
Saints 26 Giants 14
Jaxon Fart and the New York Giant Flatulence rolled into the Big Easy and dropped a humongous dump! What a poopy performance by the Giants and their rookie quarterback. They cost the poopies some money and I will never forgive them!
Congrats to Saints quarterback Spencer Rattler on his first ever professional win. We can put that depressing narrative to bed as he is now an impressive 1-10!
Broncos 21 Eagles 17
A tropical storm was already brewing in the national media regarding the inefficiency of the Eagle’s offense. That storm is going to be upgraded to a full blown catergory four hurricane after this game.
For the second straight week the Eagles could not do anything offensively in the second half. Unlike the last two weeks, there was no crazy blocked kick or punt to bail them out.
The Eagles have some serious issues that they need to solve offensively if they want to repeat as Super Bowl champions.
The Broncos on the other hand appear to be finally figuring things out after a slow start. Their linebackers and secondary are so good that if they can get consistent production from their offense the sky is the limit for this team.
Cowboys 37 Jets 22
The Cowboys offense cannot be stopped. I have made countless jokes at the expense of Dak Prescott over the years. The man deserves his flowers. He is absolutely balling right now. He is playing the best football of his career. I cannot wait for CeeDee Lamb to come back and see how good they can be.
I honestly do not know what I would do if I was the Jets. I would trade as many players as possible before the trade deadline. Get as many draft picks as possible. What else can you do?
Colts 40 Raiders 6
The Colts are officially good and the Raiders are officially ass. If we did not have our preseason assumptions about teams and only evaluated them based on their play on the field, the Colts would be discussed as one of the league’s elite teams.
Danny Dimes is playing out of his mind. They are excelling at every aspect of the game.
I could not have been more wrong about the Raiders in my preseason prediction of them making the playoffs. They are the opposite of the Colts in that they are struggling at every single aspect of the game.
Panthers 27 Dolphins 24
Back door Bryce fucks the poopies again! The Dolphins were up 17-0 and gave up twenty-one straight points. They eventually lost late in the fourth quarter.
I am still completely baffled by this Panthers team. They are a teetertotter of an NFL team. One week they will play so poorly that they look like the worst team that ever existed. The next they are pulling off the miraculous upset. I can’t figure them out!
Late Window
Titans 22 Cardinals 21
The Titans suck and the Cardinals suck even more. That is all that needs to be said about this stupid game and these two dumb teams.
The Titans finally won and covered! I never stopped believing in them!
Buccaneers 38 Seahawks 35
The Buccaneers continue to be the most entertaining team in the league. All five of their games have been decided by one score. You live by the sword you die by the sword. Today Baker and the Bucs lived.
Sam Darnold and the Seahawks died on the sword today. Sam Darnold faltered late once again. This is why the Vikings let him go. When the game is on the line, Sam Darnold can’t stop seeing ghosts.
Lions 37 Bengals 24
Poor Jake Browning. If the Bengals owners were not such cheap bastards they would go out and acquire a more serviceable quarterback. America would not be cursed to watch Mr. Browning fuck up one of the most talented receiving cores in the league. To defend Mr. Browning real quick, his offensive line is complete ass. 100% ass.
It is nice to see Aidan Hutchinson back and healthy. He tormented Mr. Browning all afternoon. The Lions continue to be back! Watch out NFC! This team will have something to say come January.
Commanders 27 Chargers 10
This was the most shocking result of the day. I thought the Chargers would take care of business at home. Instead the opposite happened as the Commanders completed an impressive road victory.
Jacory Croksey Merrit might be the best running back in a talented rookie class. Jeanty is more talented, but Croksey Merrit is putting up better numbers at the moment.
A bientot!
Bennie's Blasts 
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